losing

it seems to me that in marriage, winning is really losing.  every time I win a disagreement, I'm really losing more and more of myself.  maybe its a rouanzoin curse? I know my brothers have it.  it's a personality thing.  my sore.  my thorn.  i have a need to be right.

a need to be right is built on a a fear of being wrong.

why is being wrong so bad?

I don't have the answer.  I only have the remnants of a victorious loss.   one that took place recently.  (Of course I'm writing this 2 minutes away from a Sunday 12am before my long day at "work.")

looking at the model for marriage in Scripture, I would find a clever "Gospel" illustration of how Jesus lived, served and died for the church and in this illustration I am instructed to do the same.  I try.  But, its hard.  Seriously.  I try but mess it up often.  I'm a full time pastor at a church and I mess it up all the time.  But, I try.  I try because I know that winning is really losing.  I try because I know that what ever "model" I've been shown in life has not been the model that's working in life.  But, the model that's been given in Scripture, the ultimate reality, is true.  Not because I take whatever the Bible says and believe it to be true without thought, but rather I believe what it says because of the practical solution.  It actually makes sense to me where I am at.  I win an argument, but what did I really win?  Was it worth it?

marriage is not a game. It's life.  life is not worth winning, it's worth losing.  "if you lose your life, you will really gain it."  again, according to the words of a 2000 year old rabbi, something finally makes sense.

  If I lose as a Husband, I gain a spotless bride.


Lord, will you help me?  Help my married friends.  Help us live this out.  Help me lose.

to my brothers, for their marriage

For the last two months, I have been apart of four weddings, two of them were my brothers.  Tony married Jen, and my younger brother Bryan married Jenni and coming this December 18^th my older brother Erick will marry Jen.  All of a sudden the Rouanzoin clan has tripled in size!  In the midst of weddings, bachelor parties, engagement parties and rehearsal dinners I have had some time to reflect on what it means to be married and what it means to have a healthy marriage.

Alex and I have gone through a lot the last two and a half year: multiple moves, job changes, career changes, serious health issues, parental shifts and dynamics, traveling, differentiation and of course planting a church.  Now, more than anything else, our ability to communicate [even if it was loud] has helped us learn how to live together, share life together and love each other well.  We definitely don’t have it figured out all the way yet, I’m sure that won’t ever be the case even 50 years from now.  But, in the midst of all that we have done over the past few years, I can truly say my marriage is the greatest gift to me.  Taking the time to reflect and truly sit in awe of the miracle of marriage and this blessed sacrament, I wrote a small something for my brothers to encourage their marriage.  It’s short and sweet.

My advice for you in your marriage: always fight.
May you fight for intimacy, when it’s easier to pull away
May you fight for communication, when it’s easier to keep silent;
May you fight for time, when it’s easier to fill up the calendar,
May you fight for submission, when it’s easier to get your way.
May you choose to love. Everyday.  Remember that Love is a choice.
You wake up everyday and choose love, let love be your choice. 
May you choose to let things go, let things be, and find yourself in
the choice to love. 

For my brothers, and their wives!  I love you guys. 

May you be poor in misfortune Rich in blessings 
Slow to make enemies Quick to make friends
 But rich or poor, quick or slow, 
May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward

learning to work together

leading a church plant can be a bit overwhelming at time. I guess it has its challenges, not to say that other things in life don't have their own challenges. As I have been working on planting a church with an incredible group of people I have really learned to appreciate my partner in this whole thing, my wife. My wife has been the biggest encourager, leader and partner in this whole process, but it has not always been that way.

"Long Beach is the last place on earth on I want to live," she said after I told her I think we should move to the city. My wife has an incredible way with getting her point across. She has the strongest personality that I have ever known and when she means something she means it. As we began to process church planting as a reality, the hard conversations started to arise. Things like "why not here, why Long Beach, are you sure, do you have any idea what you are doing? Now normally questions like these can be answered with certainty and conviction but when they were coming from Alex I always assumed that she was trying to drive some sort of counter agenda. She never was, she just honestly wanted to know and with all the baggage and expectation that I was bringing into not just our marriage, but intimate conversations of leaving our comfort life to plant a church, became frustrating for both of us. I didn't know how to communicate what was going on inside of me, I didn't know how to communicate what God was communicating to me. I didn't know how to receive criticism, I didn't know how to let go of my expectations and my presumptions of what a 'normal life-decision' conversation looked like. I was stubborn and relentless, it was always my way or no way at all. Dragging my wife through a storm of questions, uncertainties and of course a pool of my own insecurities. What was I to do, she didn't want to come with me? So, my mentor and spiritual director said to me "when she doesn't walk, you don't walk." I stopped. I stopped talking, asking and moving forward, I let go completely.

I really enjoy coffee. I wouldn't say its an addiction but it is something that I look forward to drinking every morning, day and night. Kean coffee shop in Newport Beach was my spot for a year before we moved to Long Beach, the coffee there is amazing. Even though it has my favorite cup of coffee it is not my favorite coffee shop, the 'vibe' is a bit different than what I prefer. I prefer free wifi, young adults, more students, cheaper prices and I suppose less Mercedes, BMW's and Audi's in the parking lot. Now I had to learn to let down my expectations and preferences to enjoy the amazing cup of the finest roasted coffee in the town, I had to. Otherwise I would just settle with a poor cup of coffee and some Internet at any other cafe across the street, unless I went to Starbucks (no wifi- I don't have tmobile hot spot and that would just be silly). This process was easy, in fact it wasn't difficult at all. I could easily let go of my expectations in order to enjoy such a wonderful drink. So, day after day, week after week, the preferences that I carried into Kean soon left and Kean became my favorite coffee shop. I didn't have to try hard, I didn't fight myself as I walked through the parking lot full of cars valued at a price that could free hundreds of men and women living as slaves all over the world, not to mention the US alone. I am not upset just making a statement, I had to let those things go in order to enjoy coffee.

It was coffee, and it was easy.

What about marriage? What about my wife?

Even though learning to let go of those preferences, preferences that aren't nearly as important in the grand scheme of things, they were still preferences that were released in order to enjoy the simple gift of a good cup of coffee. Now why has it been so hard to do this in marriage? Why is it that I still hold on to the most ridiculous preferences in my marriage? I remember having discussion after discussion about moving to Long Beach with my wife, well before I had any idea what we were doing there and why we were doing it. I remember telling her we should, not giving her a reason why and knowing that I should just wait to say anything at all. I remember feeling as though I shouldn't push it and I should just wait until I have more clarity and she has more discernment in the matter. wait. wait. wait.

Waiting is the hardest discipline. I think of the 120 gathered in the upper room after Jesus ascend into heaven. Just waiting. Not knowing what to expect, just waiting. I was not as disciplined, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to wait. I pushed and pushed.

I was like a kid walking a dog. not really knowing how to walk a dog on a leash I just start tugging on the leash in order for the dog to follow me. I can see a big brown lab, excited to be outside and getting to smell the fresh grass, look at bushes and licking the ground and trying to explore as this little kid tugs it from here to there. That's me, the kid, and my wife is the lab (j/k).

SUPRA VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA (SVT) my wife's heart was broken. ER, specialists, cardiologists, holistic doctors, chiropractors, drug after drug, treatment after treatment, "she needs surgery." The waiting was no longer a problem, I was more concerned about life, than I was about living. I was more concerned about death than I was about moving to Long Beach. I no longer cared about church names, church planting, church anything, all I cared about was my beautiful bride sitting in a hospital bed telling me that God gave me a "lemon" and she was sorry. Endless nights of tears, questions, anger and prayer. Prayer for healing that never came, prayer for answers that never came. Christian songs that used to bring encouragement seemed like more of a joke than a reality. Where was this healer, where was this man that I worshiped, this God that had been so clothes, why wasn't he close?

Church became a memory and My wife became front and center. Front in center as I prayed for her healing, as I held her hand late at night thanking God for that day, for the two hours of no heart problems, for peace in the last 5 minutes. Thanking God that she could sleep through a whole night without waking up in fear. I remember anytime she would start to feel weird I would jump out of bed put on my close and shoes, grab our insurance card and lay back down to calm her. I was ready to go to the ER. I put my wife first in my life. Well, God became first again and my wife was right behind him.

my wife was now where she belonged front and center, as my bride, not the bride of Christ. I learned to love my Bride and that is how God showed me how to love his Bride. The story would continue, but I learned something invaluable.

I was ruining the process of discovery, I was ruining our journey by forcing her to be where I was rather than where she needed to be when she needed to be there. I was forcing Alex to hear from God by the burning bushes that I saw and expecting my God to speak to her through my voice, rather than his way through his voice. Driving home from our last leaders meeting in Long Beach, I heard God say "move to long beach," I laughed and told him, "only if you tell Alex." She turned to me before I could say anything to her and said "I think we should move to Long Beach!" we landed together for the first time.

Now we are on the same page, well I guess we are in the same book and we are walking towards each other, learning how to work together. More to come.

fortunate misfortune

Learning to walk differently has never been harder. I have walked down these same streets dozens and dozens of times, but this time it’s new. I believe that it is the most fortunate misfortunate, making room to leave room, making time to have time, leaving space when all is crowded, slowing down the race to simply live, not win. I have seen life as a contest, constantly trying to win something. Constantly asking the bigger, faster, better questions, comparing, contrasting, criticizing, disengaging just incase I had been considered at loss. I would take myself out of the game when it came time to really play, talk the talk, walk the walk until it got really hard. I never knew how to live my life by letting life be left alone, I took my life in my hands and declared victory every chance I had. But now, right now, I must allow the time to be, the game to rest, the questions to remain and the answers silenced in confusion, I must allow this fortunate misfortune be my prompt, my cue to let go is now and my stage is not observed by anyone as I thought. I have nothing to perform, no rewards to gain, my intended misfortune has now become my call. I live with priorities aside, my relationships as a guide, no task is too big, not calling to loud, just the simple grace of family and friends to become my prize. The now is fully present, the not yet will come in time, but if you wait until tomorrow the gift of the morning will pass by. Live in this time, not waiting until then, working on the now for then, will only leave you satisfied once, but if you enjoy the now and live for it, your satisfaction will never end. These streets are indeed the same, the person walking them has had no outer change, the person inside has never walked these streets, the person inside, is different, walking with intention.

wealth

I am surrounded by a wealth, seduced by servants of selves, a cult of the fancy and luxury, all aware of each other but never knowing, concerned, recognized, welcomed but only judged. This society of numbers, counts it’s worth on the shallow surfaces of labels. A hallowed monument for a competitive position; these friends bite back, snarling and groveling over the next consumption. The god they serve is the mirror, the power received fiery statues of the flammable expense. Receiving only what one wants to insure, such a god is this! The gold veneer weighs heavily on ones knees, each step reduces the muscles to atrophy. Follow your will in this world of gods, purchase your fantasy and eat up your vanity; your world is flat and you are building bridges, live in your self and deny the other, justify your wealth never expose your cover.